“‘What’s up?’ I ask. ‘I think my daughter’s been breastfed by another woman.’”

“What is your favourite food? ‘Water, if that counts as food. And if not, banana.’”

“Occasionally the Gods smile upon you and, as you are strolling through a park in Spain, you see this giant, obscene, nihilistic graffiti and you know what you have to do.”

“Caroline, my wife, was eight months pregnant. I was a bit drunk. Axl Rose was wearing crocs.”

“They were brilliant at eating langoustines – peeling and sucking their heads from a very young age.”

“I think sometimes the stories about radicalisation of ‘jihadi brides’, or sex slaves, tell us more about our own obsession with sex.”

“Mothers aren’t confused by strangers’ advice – we want them to stick it up their arse.”